Chasing Gold Stars As An Adult | Ep317

Chasing Gold Stars As An Adult | Ep317

[00:00:00] There's a smell that takes me right back, and that's freshly sharpened pencils, a brand new notebook before even a single page gets used. And if you grew up anywhere near the late '80s or early '90s, you know exactly what I mean when I say Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.

But here's what I actually want to ask you today, and I don't think you're gonna love the answer. Remember the specific rush of having a gold star, a sticker, a smiley face at the top of your paper or your name moved up on a chart? What if you never actually stopped chasing that feeling, but just instead found grownup ways to earn it?

That's what we're talking about today. 

You're listening to the Free To Be Mindful podcast, the space for high-achieving women who give their best to everyone and are ready to keep some of it for themselves. I'm Vanessa, licensed therapist, speaker, and mom coach. I know what it takes to build a life you're proud of without losing yourself in the process.

Each week, we get honest about ambition, [00:01:00] identity, and the parts of ourselves that we quietly set aside. Here we go

Hello and welcome to episode 317 of the Free to Be Mindful podcast. I hope that you're feeling good, looking good, and doing better in this world than you were yesterday. 

So I still get so excited over school supplies. Watching my son pick out his folders and his notebooks really does do it for me. As a former teacher, I love walking into Target into that front section with all the fun stuff that they have depending on each season.

But here's what I've been noticing a lot in myself and in a lot of the high-achieving women that I sit across from in therapy and coaching sessions, and that is that nobody hands us gold stars anymore, right? But we still chase that exact same feeling, we've just gotten a little bit more sophisticated about the way that we earn it.

Some of us lean hard into the color coding, the adding labeled bins, the filling out forms early because waiting until the [00:02:00] last minute feels like a risk that we're just not willing to take. And we're the ones who confirm the plans twice, who show up to things a couple minutes early before anybody else does to make sure that things are just handled. All of that is so real. And yes, it is genuine care.

But there's another piece happening at the same time, and that's the version of us that feels like we're doing the most, like we're doing our job right when everyone around us Is fully set up because of something that we did.

Now, some of you are probably thinking, " Well, isn't that what just being on top of things look like, right? Isn't that just being responsible?" And sure, some of it is, of course. But getting everyone else ready is also visible. People take note of that, and then what do they do? They call us organized. They call us the one who has it all together. And that's the gold star in our adult days, dressed up as a compliment instead of a [00:03:00] sticker.

And a lot of us inherited this early on. In families where being the reliable one , the one that everyone else could count on wasn't just praise, it was really expected from the time that we were probably kids ourselves.

So here's the actual question underneath it all: did we stop wanting things for ourselves the exact moment nobody was left to clap for it? Because let me ask you, when was the last time you wanted something just for you, even if it came from zero validation from other people?

And for some, that question is really hard to answer. Most of us figured out early that nobody questions you for doing something for someone else. That just gets you the gold star each and every time. But wanting something with no one watching, that doesn't always come with a reward built in.

And what happens is that we quietly stop reaching for the things sometimes that nobody's keeping track of.[00:04:00]

And I'll tell you what happens for me. Once upon a time ago, before having kids, and even in between kids, I was on a salsa performance team. And these days, between everything that I'm building, I just don't have the time or the energy left over for social dancing. It just doesn't sound fun to me anymore because I'm so exhausted.

But when I think about wanting it back, it's really less about dancing itself, and it's more about what happens when I'm actually doing it. That's the time that my brain has to focus on something other than everyone else's needs. And for those few minutes, everything goes quiet, and it's just about me in that moment.

And I see this so often in myself some seasons and with women who've gotten so used to only Wanting things that score, or that by the time that it's their turn to want something for no reason at all, they don't even know what they want or how to do it anymore.

And think about it, we don't ask permission for the things that we [00:05:00] do for our kids. We just do it, no witnesses required. So I want you to think about this, and I want you to try something for yourself with that same lack of apology, even once, whether or not anyone ever finds out about it.

So ask yourself, How do you actually find that want again, especially if it's been buried away for so long?

It's usually smaller than some big dramatic realization, and it's more like noticing the thing that you keep bringing up in passing and then immediately telling yourself, "Just drop it," or forget that you mentioned it and, or you explain it away.

Maybe it's the class that you've looked into and never yet signed up for it. For me, it was a recent yoga class that I signed up for a couple of months ago, and now I've fallen in love. And do I post about it? Yes, I do. But it's not for validation. It's more for accountability, but it's really being done for me and no one else.

[00:06:00] So the answer for you, I am sure that it's in there. It just may be quieter than it used to be. The work isn't inventing a want from scratch. I'm sure that you have many wants in there. It's just catching the moment that you start editing it down, right? And instead let it just stay the size that it actually is instead of diminishing the want that your brain and that your heart feels.

So let's take a moment for today's guided reflection, and think about the want that you usually shrink before you ever say it out loud. And notice whether part of what you're picturing includes someone finding out about it or someone being impressed. Then ask what's left of what you want once you actually take the audience away?

And then if you can, I challenge you to let it stay full size this week, gold star or not. Say it out loud and maybe get an [00:07:00] accountability buddy so that someone follows up with you just for the sake of you to at least get you going. So that you can put yourself back on your own priority list again.

And yes, of course you need to get everyone else ready. And if it does it for you, keep the folders labeled, and the lunches planned, if that's truly who you are, and if it does bring you joy. Don't let earning the gold star become the only reason, though, that you ever let yourself want anything.

If today's episode found you somewhere in the middle of all this, I built Amiga Moms Coaching for the mom CEO to hold exactly all of these feelings. And by the way, if motherhood isn't part of your story, but everything I just said still landed, reach out anyway. This work was never about only having kids at home. It really is about feeding the woman, the high ambitious, high achieving woman behind it all. And you can learn more about [00:08:00] this at amigamoms.com.

And if you know that this can help another friend, please send it to a woman who's still chasing a gold star that probably nobody's handing out anymore. 

And as always, remember, in a world where you are free to be anything, you are always free to be mindful. Catch you next week. 

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