FTBM Podcast Ep309: Why Can't You Just Let People Help

Vanessa: [00:00:00] So I have a question for you before we get into today's episode, and that question is, " who in your life is genuinely there for you? Truly and genuinely there for you? Not because they have to be, not because you asked, and not because it's their job, but because it's just part of who they are.

I have an answer for that in my own life, and his name is Ollie. He's handsome. Quite a stud, actually has this amazing curly hair that's doesn't fall out. He's about 42 years old, at least in human years, because I'm talking about my Golden Doodle therapy dog named Ollie, who turned a six today, April 20th.

Yes, I am dedicating an episode to my dog, but stay with me because this episode is definitely gonna be more of benefit to you.

You are listening to the Free to Be Mindful podcast, where busy moms get practical tips and real talk conversations to find calm joy in a little more breathing room in [00:01:00] everyday life. I'm Vanessa Licensed therapist, mom, coach, and a mom to a tween and toddler. Each week we get honest about motherhood and mindset helping you live with more presence, less pressure without losing your well, you know.

Here we go.

Hello and welcome to episode 309 of the Free To Be Mindful Podcast. I hope that you're feeling good, looking good and doing better in this world than you were yesterday. So my goldendoodle Ollie turns six today. And let me share with you, growing up, I never ever had a pet, like not even a fish. And then when I got married, my husband had a dog, but he wasn't my dog. And then he was older and he did pass away. And when he did, I felt it to my core.

Then years later around the pandemic, I, along with the rest of the world, thought it would be a perfect time to get a puppy because we were all home. And so I did. I intentionally got a goldendoodle [00:02:00] because of their reputation to have a great demeanor and because they were really great with kids. And selfishly because they don't shed, that was very important to me.

So here I am six years later. Ollie is not only my puppy, but he's also a certified therapy dog bringing smiles across to North Hudson and Bergen counties in Jersey, through therapy dog visits and in my practice with my clients. He is truly an amazing puppy and an even better coworker than most humans I've encountered. And I say that with love.

And, in thinking about what I wanted to share with you this week, I wanted you to know how Ollie has actually taught me something really important about the concept of support and what it looks like to give it well, and what it looks like to receive it as well. And that second part, receiving it, is what I wanna talk to you about today.

So most therapists have a white noise machine right outside their office door, just as [00:03:00] I do some have a plant on the window sill. And I have Ollie, which I think is definitely an upgrade. I gave him the title of official CEmO, chief Emotional Officer at Free to Be Mindful, and his job details include showing up and making everyone around him feel safe and happy. And he does those two things super well.

And I get the question all the time from kids and adults alike," what does Ollie really do as a therapy dog?" I have to tell you, you have to see it to believe it, because when he walks into a room, everything immediately shifts. The energy changes. People who were guarded get a little softer. Kids who weren't talking start talking. Grown professionals, I mean administrators and CEOs in suit and ties, or in business suits, who are used to holding it all together all day immediately go to the floor and sit next to him and they just seem to exhale and let things go.

And of course, [00:04:00] Ollie, he doesn't analyze. He doesn't interpret. He doesn't take notes. Though sometimes I wonder about that because the way he looks at people. But he fully just shows up -fully present, no judgment, no agenda. And people just come to him. And that right there is if thing that I wanna stay on for just a minute.

Now, I'll share with you some facts that I find most people don't actually know because therapy dogs, emotional support, animals and service animals are not all the same things, but they get mixed up constantly. So let me break it down for you.

A service animal is specifically trained to perform a task for a person with a disability. You typically see them with a red vest that says, do not touch. We're talking about guiding someone who may be visually impaired, alerting someone who is deaf, detecting an oncoming seizure, providing physical support for someone with a mobility challenge. Any one of those things. Service animals have legal protections that allow [00:05:00] them to go anywhere their handler goes: restaurants, hospitals, planes, you name it. And because they're working, doing a very important job for their owners, they're not to be distracted, which is why you can't touch them. And they have a vest saying so.

Emotional support animals, on the other hand, sometimes called an ESA is very different because these animals don't need to be specially trained. They're somebody's pet and they just provide comfort simply through their companionship and their presence. What they do require though, is a letter typically written from a licensed mental health professional, confirming that the animal does indeed provide a "necessary emotional support for that person's wellbeing."

As a licensed professional counselor here in the state of New Jersey, I can write that letter, but I do wanna provide clarification around this topic too, because I get asked about it all the time. These letters, I only write to clients that I am actively working with, and only when I [00:06:00] genuinely believe that it's clinically appropriate for that person to have an emotional support animal. It's not like a rubber stamp that's just given out like a free cookie. It's actually a clinical decision. So if you are a New Jersey based client, and this is something that you wanna explore, this conversation starts when we're in session. And the link to work with me, if you're interested, is in the show notes.

And then we have therapy dogs, and that's Ollie's Lane. Therapy dogs are certified. They are trained. They have to pass a test in order to become a therapy dog, and they do visit schools, therapy office, workplaces and community spaces to offer support to groups of people, not just to one person, but to many people.

So they're not service animals, and they actually don't have the same public and legal access rights that a service animal or an emotional support animal would have. But what they do bring into a space is something that research does back up, and something that I've [00:07:00] witnessed for myself over and over again, which brings me now to the science.

So here's what we know about what animals do for us physiologically. And I say physiologically because I want you to hear that it's not just about, oh, puppies make me happy, right? Although that's how I explain it to kindergartners. But it's really about your nervous system responding in a scientific way.

When you interact with an animal, when you pet them, when you make eye contact, or when you're simply near a calm and friendly animal, your body automatically releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is often called "the love hormone" because it's a chemical that your brain produces to build trust and connection between people. And here's what I find so genuinely remarkable, and that is that research has found that when a dog and their owner gaze into each other's eyes lovingly, oxytocin levels rise in both of them up to 300% in the [00:08:00] owner. 300% from simply eye contact.

And on top of that time with animals does lower cortisol, which is your stress hormone. And research shows that it can lower blood pressure too. Your nervous system takes the cue from the calm animal and it just starts to settle. And what I love about this as a clinician is that it's not all cognitive, right? You don't have to think your way to get there. You don't have to reframe anything or journal about it. Your body just responds because it was made to be in relationship. And animals offer a version of that relationship that come with zero conditions attached.

So research also shows that pets reduce loneliness, they ease symptoms of anxiety and depression, and for dog owners specifically, over 60% meet the recommended weekly amount of physical activity because you take them out on walks.

And here's the piece that really lands for me and for the kids and the women that I work [00:09:00] with. Pets offer a sense of security, a sense of routine, stability, which are three things that high achieving professional women specifically are constantly building for everyone around them and rarely, if ever, intentionally building for it themselves, which is exactly what I want to get into now.

The thing about Ollie that I keep coming back to is that he doesn't vet people before he offers them support. Doesn't look at someone and think, Hmm, I think she seems to be managing well, i'm not gonna get too close. Right? I'll say that weren't for someone who's more visibly falling apart. He doesn't check whether you've done enough, or you've done your homework, or whether you deserve a moment of ease. He just shows up, right? Full presence, tail wagging. And then he lets you decide how much you wanna let in.

And again the kids and the professional women that I work with, they're all brilliant, accomplished, genuinely impressive [00:10:00] women, especially, they typically accept support, um, never. And usually with great reluctance when they do, because of course they think that they can just handle it all. I've sat across from many women in this office in virtual spaces who have just described six months, for example, of carrying everything from work kids to households, their own grief or exhaustion or loneliness. And at the end of it, they just look at me and say, oh, but I'm fine. Right? I just, I, I get better at managing it. Everything's okay. And I've had to physically resist the urge to like look at Ollie and say like, dude, are you getting this? Are you hearing it? Like I'm hearing it? 

Because managing is not the goal, right? Just managing, just surviving is not a virtue. It's a survival strategy that specifically high achieving women have often gotten so good at that somewhere along the way, we started mistaking it for strength. [00:11:00] And that in and of itself has a cost, and you may not see that cost come up immediately because you're capable enough that you're not gonna feel it right away.

But what happens is that over the course of time, managing through instead of receiving support is what turns capable women into depleted women. And it's what makes the strongest person in the room also, sometimes the loneliest person in the room.

So to make this practical, because I know you and I know you heard the insight, now you just wanna know what to actually do with it. I wanna give you three tips to try.

And the first is name what you're actually carrying before you decide you're fine. Not for anyone else, but truly for you. Before you answer the next, "oh, how are you?" With, "oh, good, busy. Fine. You know how it is." I want you to just pause for like five seconds or less, but actually answer the question internally. How am I feeling? What am I [00:12:00] carrying right now? What's been sitting on my shoulders this week that nobody has even asked about?

And I want you to know that you don't have to share it, right? And you don't even have to fix it right now. But what you do have to do is stop pretending that it isn't there.

The second tip is to get specific about what kind of support you need and ask for that exact thing. High achieving moms are often really bad at receiving support, and it's not because people don't wanna help them, but because they ask too vaguely or they don't ask at all, or they feel unseen then when people don't show up in the way that they need it, they don't express exactly the way that they need. Sometimes they're just like, oh, I'm overwhelmed. That's not really requesting anything. Right. What you can say is, can you take the kids for two hours on a Saturday so that I can just sit in silence? That is a support request. The more specific you are, the more [00:13:00] receivable the support becomes.

And three, let something be easy on purpose, not because you've earned it, not because the list is done. It's never done right. We know that. We know there's always things being added by you and typically by everyone else. Remind yourself that ease is allowed to exist in your life without you having to justify it first. And this might look like sitting with your pet for 10 minutes without your phone in your hand. It might look like seeing yes to that help that's been offered three times, and you've declined it three times. It might look like not filling in the next quiet moment with the next task on your list.

Receiving support is indeed a muscle. You build it in small, low stakes moments so that it's available to you the next time that the stakes are high.

The women who are in this for the long game, the ones who are still showing up with presence, with [00:14:00] intention 5, 10, 20 years from now are not the ones who are just bearing it all and doing it all alone. They're actually the ones who have learned at some point to let something and sometimes let someone in. A person, a practice, sometimes a golden doodle who has absolutely no idea how much he's teaching everyone around him.

I wanna speak directly to you for just a second. The women who just listened to me say all of that, and of course, yes, you nodded along without letting any of it land right, on your mind and your hearts and your soul. I see you. And because you know I keep it real, I'll share with you that I also am you sometimes. I get it. 

We spend so much of our energy making sure that everyone else in our lives feels supported, seen, held. Your kids, your team, the people who come to your office or your classroom or your home for support. And of [00:15:00] course, you do it well. But at some point, you have to let yourself be on the receiving end of all of that. And not as a reward for doing enough. And not when everything is finally under control, because you know the next thing will just pop off. I want you to do that now as you are. Like right here, sitting in the middle of it all.

So right now, take this moment and if you're somewhere where you can be still for just a moment, and if you can't steal your body, try to just pay attention to my voice in this moment in time. Maybe you're in your car or on a walk, or maybe you just snuck into your bathroom for 30 seconds of quiet, which yeah, does count.

Just let yourself arrive to wherever you are. And I want you to think about one form of support that has been available to you and that you have been deflecting, minimizing, or not letting it fully in. Maybe it's a person who offered [00:16:00] to help and you keep saying, I'm fine. Maybe it's rest that you keep earning instead of just taking.

Whatever it is, just name it for yourself. And now ask yourself what would it cost to let that thing in? What am I afraid will happen if I stop managing through this one thing and actually receive some support around it? And then ask yourself the question, what becomes possible if I do indeed do that?

You don't have to solve all the world's problems right now. But you just have to let that question live in you for a little while. And that's where things actually begin to shift.

Take a breath as you think through those questions and come back to the room you're in, back [00:17:00] to your day, back to whatever it is that's next for you. But I want you to carry that question along with you, not as another thing to fix, but just as a small act of honesty with yourself.

If today's episodes resonated with you, please share it with a woman, a mom, an Amiga Mom in your life who needs to hear this, right? A friend, a colleague you know out there who is caring a lot and hasn't slowed down, wants to even notice. Sometimes the best things we can do for the people we love is hand them over something that says, I see you and I thought of you.

If you've been thinking about therapy, mom coaching, or having me come to speak to your team or organization, all of that lives in the show notes at free to be mindful.com.

I work with New Jersey based therapy clients, and my speaking and coaching work is available much more broadly.

And of course if you are within the Ridgefield, New Jersey area and would like [00:18:00] Ollie to visit your school or workplace, we do volunteer sessions again in the areas very close to Ridgefield.

And I want you to know those speaking sessions that I just mentioned, whether it's a workshop, professional development, those things can be merged together with a therapy dog visit, right? Think therapy dog visit meets mental wellness workshop and they merge together. So whether you're looking to support your staff's wellbeing, open a conversation about mental health in your workplace or in your school, this is like a two for one, and it's something that they probably didn't even know that they needed. And again, the link to speaking is in the show notes.

So if you're watching on YouTube right now, take a look at the screen and here's my puppy, Ollie, and happy birthday bud. Thank you for six years of showing us what love can look like and how you can receive and give it without anyone keeping score.

And to everyone listening, know always, and in a world where you're free to be anything, you're always [00:19:00] free to be mindful. Catch you next time. ​