FTBM Podcasts Ep300: Survival-Based Leadership

FTBM Podcasts Ep300: Survival-Based Leadership

V: [00:00:00] So it wasn't until just right now when I pressed record that I realized this is episode 300 of the Free to be Mindful podcast. Which is absolutely amazing. Most podcasts die within the first double digits, nevermind 300. So I wanted to just thank you for being here. This topic, even though I wasn't planning for it to be episode 300, it is quite appropriate for what the podcast has become.

Yes, we're still focused on mindful living, mental health and personal growth. But the way in which we talk about those three pillars is very different and it's framed underneath the concept of leadership, because really moms are the leaders, as you'll hear me say.

So thank you for being here. Please share this with a friend and know that I'm so appreciative of allowing me into your ears, or your car, or wherever it is that you're listening in.

And know [00:01:00] that if you are the one that everyone counts on - at home, at work, or anywhere, this episode is for you. Because today we're talking about why being highly capable can actually feel incredibly lonely. Here we go. 

You are listening to the Free to Be Mindful podcast, where busy moms get practical tips and real talk conversations to find calm joy in a little more breathing room in everyday life. I'm Vanessa Licensed therapist, mom, coach, and a mom to a tween and toddler. Each week we get honest about motherhood and mindset helping you live with more presence, less pressure without losing your well, you know.

Here we go.

 Hello and welcome to the Free To Be Mindful Podcast, episode 300 Wild. I hope that you're feeling good, looking good and doing better in this world than you were yesterday.

So if you're listening to this episode [00:02:00] in real time, we just move through Valentine's Day. And while Valentine's Day tends to focus on romantic love and friendship and connection, when I personally look at it, I think about something else entirely. Which is the concept of support. Feeling held, feeling checked in on by the people who care about you. And not just in big, grandiose types of gestures, but in everyday things like, Hey, how are you REALLY doing? Type of way.

And in my work, there's a pattern that I see again and again and again, and this pattern is with moms, with leaders, and especially with high achieving women, and it often goes unamed. And that pattern is that the more capable you are, the less people check in.

You are the one that people rely on. You are the one that people assume has it handled. You are the one who keeps moving when life just gets complicated. And yet, [00:03:00] there's often a quiet loneliness that sits underneath all of that competence, right? Not because you don't have people in your life, but because very few people pause to ask you how you're actually doing.

This episode is not about blaming anyone, and it's definitely not about questioning your strength or your ability because let's be honest, you are strong and you are capable. But the goal of this episode is to help you stay capable without being alone in it. It's about understanding why being highly capable can slowly and unintentionally lead to feeling more alone. And why learning to ask for support is not allowed, but very necessary for your wellbeing. 

So for many of us, the concept of how capable we are was never really a personality trait for many of us. It was actually learned. In [00:04:00] families, cultures, and environments where maybe stability wasn't guaranteed. Being responsible became a form of safety. Because you learned early how to anticipate needs, and how to step in without being asked, and how to hold everything quietly together, because that's what the situation called for. That kind of confidence was often praised, I'm sure of it. Or it was maybe even rewarded. You didn't even realize you were doing it, maybe. It just became the what you do.

And in many cultures, especially for women and eldest daughters, I'm raising my hands in case you're not watching this episode on YouTube. Being capable is expected and it's rarely questioned because over the course of time what starts as resilience slowly becomes our personal identity. And then you're no longer just someone who can handle things, but instead you become the one who just always does.

And I'll [00:05:00] share with you that personally growing up as a first generation eldest daughter in a Dominican family, family was emphasized over everything else. The concept of friends was just talked about as like a temporary thing. While the concept of family was described as permanent and non-negotiable. And what feels ironic now to me is that some of my strongest, most supportive relationships are friendships that I've had for over 25 years. Friends who know my stories, my patterns, and my tone of voice when I say I'm fine, right?

And yet even with that awareness, I will share with you that I still default to doing things by myself. . Let me tell you, for both of my baby showers, I planned everything. Everything from beginning to end, no delegating or outsourcing, except for the day of, there I did need help. But the planning, it was just me, my list, my I got it. Energy, right? [00:06:00] And to this day, it still takes a lot for me to ask for help. Not because I don't feel that other people can help me. It's just that I feel bad asking.

So when I talk about this, my friends know that I'm not talking at you. I'm very much talking with you.

And once that role of the capable one sets in it's not that people stop caring, but what does happen is that they do stop checking in because then that role or that mask that you wear becomes permanent, right? You're reliable, you're unshakeable. It's almost like, oh, she's good. She's always good, and that's what leads us to what this actually looks like in day-to-day life.

Here is the part where motherhood plays a huge, huge role. Because moms aren't just doing tasks, you know, and I know, everybody knows we're holding responsibility. If you are a longtime listener, we've [00:07:00] talked about this a lot in the past. It's not just the doing of things, it's also the thinking of things, right?

The mental tabs that never really close. And that's the biggest difference. Doing the doing is visible, but carrying the thinking. We never get to see that part with our own eyes.

It's remembering the appointments before anyone asks. It's anticipating the needs before they're spoken. It's planning, coordinating, emotional regulating, and holding space, not just for ourselves. 'cause you know, typically we're at the bottom of the list unfortunately, but really holding space for everyone else in the household. It's being the one who knows where everything is, what everyone needs, and what's coming next.

And Amigas, the key distinction that I want you to sit with is that carrying the thinking is often heavier than carrying the doing. And because that thinking lives in your [00:08:00] mind, it's invisible, right? So from the outside, it looks like you're managing everything fine, but then on the inside it feels like your brain never actually turns off and it feels like you're always on call.

And the invisible labor is one of the reasons why capable moms feel the most unseen. Because typically support shows up on your doorstep in response to what people can see. You have a baby or you break your leg, and people are at your door with a casserole that you can freeze and DeFreeze whenever you need it. Right?

But when you're inundated with life, with work, if you are in places of leadership, if you own your own business, heaviest part of your load is internal, is in your mind, it goes unnoticed because nobody sees it.

And then that sets the stage for the next pattern, which is understanding the why. Why is it that people stop checking in? And I wanna be really [00:09:00] clear about this because when I talk about this, again, it's not about placing blame on anyone, but what it is about is pattern recognition. Listen in and see if any of this sounds familiar.

Over time, a few things tend to happen. Others assume you're fine because you always seem fine, you look fine, and you seem to manage it all. You rarely ask for help because you're used to handling all the things. And so without even realizing it, you've unintentionally taught people that you'll manage no matter what. Very unintentionally. But what happens over the course of time and over and over is that when this happens consistently, then that pattern gets locked in. Eventually the check-ins stop. And not because people don't care, but because the pattern suggests that you don't need them.

And this is where I offer a really important reflection question and know that it's not to judge yourself because [00:10:00] please, we don't need any more judgment. We can all let some of that go. Instead, it's to increase awareness.

I want you to ask yourself, what have I unintentionally communicated about my needs? And really sit with that for a moment. What have you unintentionally communicated about your needs? And here's the important reframe, nothing about this means that you've done something wrong. It just means that you've adapted in a way that once protected you.

For many high functioning women, the answer is rooted in survival. You've learned how to keep going because slowing down wasn't really an option. Support probably wasn't modeled for you, and rest probably wasn't normalized either. So you did what worked at the time.

But the thing that we have to remember is that these types of survival strategies are not meant to be lifelong [00:11:00] strategies, which is really hard when the world makes us feel that we're in survival mode.

And that brings me to this next part, which I wanna preface by clearing up something super important.

When I talk about leadership, I'm not only talking about C-Suite executives, people in suits, or building administrators. When I say leaders, I am always talking about moms too, because as moms, we are the leaders of our households. Whether we give ourselves that title or not.

And now that we're on the same page about that in my leadership work, I often talk about survival based leadership. And this is leadership that forms under pressure. It values output endurance and composure, right? And it keeps things running, of course, but it often isolates the person who is leading, let's say, a team or a business or a building.

We see this at work, and if you really [00:12:00] think about it, we see it at home. We absolutely see it in motherhood too. And the reason for this is that survival-based leadership is often rewarded. You get praised for holding it all together, for pushing through, for not needing much, for doing it with a smile and no complaints. Any of that sound familiar to you? I laugh because trust me, I live in this world.

And that praise, when we receive that praise, whether it's spoken out loud or said softly, it can make things even harder. It makes it harder for us to question what the cost is of this survival-based leadership.

So what I really want you to focus in on and to take away is that leadership built purely on survival leaves little to no room for support. What it does is train people to rely on you without realizing how much you're carrying. You become the go-to for everything, logistics, emotions, decisions, and suddenly [00:13:00] everyone's leaning, but no one's there to catch you.

And again, this isn't a personal flaw, it's just a system that reinforces over functioning. And two things can be true at the same time. Systems can be interrupted of course, but only once we see them clearly. 

And this is also where I want you to gently pause, and I wanna say this. If you are listening and realizing how much you have been carrying. This is exactly why spaces of intentional support matter. At work this is why ERGs, employee resource groups, this is why they exist. And I want you to know that I am available to go into your ERG, in person or virtual, and speak with your group about topics like this.

Intentional spaces of support for your personal life, too matter just as much, they're just as important. And with that, this February, I'm [00:14:00] hosting the Mom Reset experience in Ridgefield, New Jersey. It's not an event in the traditional sense, but it's really an experience designed for moms who are highly capable, deeply responsible, and also quietly exhausted. It's intentionally designed so that you don't have to be on for anyone. It really is a space to reflect, to put some weight down, to pause without fixing anything or performing or overexplaining yourself. It's just a space to be you with no place of judgment. If you're interested in attending, do know that space is intentionally limited, and you can find the link to register in the show notes.

So we've talked about how capability forms, how it gets reinforced, and how it shows up in leadership and in motherhood. Now let's talk about why this can be so hard to recognize in ourselves.

And I want you to [00:15:00] lean in here or maybe pump the volume up a bit, because here's where things often get quiet. High functioning people don't always recognize your own exhaustion. Instead, what they do is minimize their own needs and then they normalize the depletion it is that they're feeling.

I know this to be true, not just from research and from data, but from personal experience and from sitting with countless moms in my office. Right? We get the questions. How are you? Good. Do you need help? Nah, I got it. Or another favorite. I'll just do it myself, it's easier. And I get that fullheartedly because sometimes taking the time to explain actually makes the process longer than just doing it yourself. And if you're already stretched thin, explaining just feels like one more thing to do. I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. When you've been capable for such a long time, tired starts to [00:16:00] just feel familiar. Depletion becomes background noise. And then needing support can feel indulgent and even unnecessary.

But you may not realize how much you're carrying until something finally forces you to stop, and that's something can be as simple as constant irritability or brain fog, or it can be as serious as burnout, high anxiety, or even a heart attack.

So here's a not so gentle insight that I want you to hear very clearly for your own physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. And please know that I say this from a place of care, and that is just because you can, doesn't mean that you should.

A little louder again for the people in the back. Just because you can, doesn't mean that you should. Capacity does not equal obligation. And strength doesn't mean [00:17:00] limitlessness. And support is not something you earn after you break. It's something that you're allowed to access before that point. That really is the point of getting support.

So take a moment with me here and allow this message to resonate and to simmer in you a bit, because I know that it can be a lot to hear and to soak in. And regardless of what you're doing, I want you to take a slow breath in through your nose, and a long breath out through your mouth. As you continue breathing like this, ask yourself quietly: Where in my life am I holding more than I need to? Where have I been capable instead of supported? And what would it feel like to let someone show [00:18:00] up for me, even if just a little bit? Change comes with awareness and that's what we're building in this space, in this podcast episode, in this entire podcast. And once you are able to come to terms with this awareness and allow these thoughts to settle, then perhaps then you'll be able to take action on the answers to those questions I just asked.

And truly no judgment on how long that takes. I want you to know that it is a possibility. And this is some of the work that I do in mom coaching, along with identifying practical solution focused action items that show up in our day-to-day lives. And if you're interested in learning more, you can always book a free 60 minute strategy call to see if it's a good fit for you.

You know that I'm not just here for the talking. I'm big on practical [00:19:00] strategies that you can walk away with. So I want you to remember, being capable doesn't eliminate your need for care. Being reliable doesn't mean being endlessly available. And support does not require you to collapse first, it must start, it should start way earlier.

This week, I invite you to notice when you're carrying more thinking than necessary. Notice where you've stepped into responsibility, maybe without a choice. And notice where one small shift could invite support back in.

Know that asking for help doesn't have to sound like I'm so overwhelmed sometimes it sounds like, can you take this one thing off my plate? Thank you. And that might look like asking for help sooner. Saying no to [00:20:00] overexplaining and overcommitment, and commitment to being overwhelmed. Or it can look like choosing to be supported in a space that was intentionally designed for you.

If you don't have to unload everything, but my friends, you do deserve to be seen beyond what you can handle. These patterns don't just live in motherhood or in personal life. They show up in leadership, in teams and in organizations everywhere, and that's why this work matters, not because people aren't strong enough, but because they've been strong enough for way too long without support.

If this episode resonated with you, again, doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. What it often means is that you've been capable in environments that relied on that capacity quietly, probably. And maybe the next step [00:21:00] isn't just doing one more thing. Maybe the next step is just allowing yourself to be supported in ways that sustain you.

and if you know a mom, a leader, or a friend who needs to hear this message, for their own mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing. Please share this episode with them because sometimes support starts with simply being seen and having a resource shared.

As always, thank you for being here. Thank you for 300 episodes and remember, being capable doesn't mean doing life alone. And that you are always free to be mindful. Catch you next time. 

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