FTBM Podcast Ep298: When Stress Becomes Your Normal Baseline

FTBM Podcast Ep298: When Stress Becomes Your Normal Baseline

V: [00:00:00] My friends today we're talking about quiet, not silence, not rest that's blocked off on the calendar. But those moments when things finally just slow down and instead of feeling calm, you actually feel unsettled. This episode is especially for high achieving moms, leaders and caregivers who are very good at holding everything together on the outside, but don't always notice how activated their bodies feel on the inside.

And if you're listening, as someone who supports teams, leads, people, or carries responsibilities for others, this is the kind of leadership conversation that I'm bringing to organizations and communities right now. Let's get into it. 

You are listening to the Free to Be Mindful podcast, where busy moms get practical tips and real talk conversations to find calm joy in a little more breathing room in everyday life. I'm Vanessa Licensed therapist, mom, coach, and a mom to a tween and toddler. Each week we get honest about motherhood and [00:01:00] mindset helping you live with more presence, less pressure without losing your well, you know.

Here we go.

V: Hello and welcome to the Free to Be Mindful Podcast, episode 298. I hope that you're feeling good, looking good and doing better in this world than you were yesterday.

So lately the world has felt heavy. It feels like every time you turn on the TV or open social media or even go grocery shopping, there's just this underlying weight. And I don't need to spell it out because if you're listening to this, I'm sure you probably can feel it too. And even when we're not directly engaging with what's happening, and even when we're trying to protect our space and our peace, our nervous systems are still taking it in because even when we tell ourselves that we're not watching the news, we somehow still know everything that's happening. Right.

And lately I've been noticing how that shows up for me in moments that are supposed to feel calm, [00:02:00] which brings me to something small, but surprisingly, something that was pretty revealing. And that is I recently got an Oura ring.

When I first heard about these rings, my initial reaction was, why would I need another tracker? I already have an Apple watch that very confidently, or rather, I say very judgmentally, reminds me every 50 minutes that I should be standing up and walking around. . And it always cracks me up because I'll be deep into something meaningful, whether it is a therapy session or conversation or eyeball deep in focus work, and the watch will just buzz and be like, time to move, girl. I'm like. Sir, we are emotionally regulating over here. This is not the time.

So the Oura purchase wasn't about though the steps or the movements behind it. I got it because I was genuinely curious about stress. Specifically when I feel stressed. And what I learned surprised [00:03:00] me much more than I expected.

And I know that that may sound strange, especially coming from a therapist. But the truth is that I've spent years functioning in go, go, go mode. And even more years functioning in very well. So well, in fact that I don't always realize when I'm stressed.

But what didn't surprise me was seeing high stress during the obvious moments. You know, the ones where you're rushing outta the house with a toddler and a dog, picking up my middle schooler, dropping the kids off, saying a quick hello to my parents before racing to my office to make it to a 4:00 PM session on time. Those moments, of course it makes sense when it came to the heightened stress level. 'cause I can feel the stress building usually right on my upper shoulders. Like they're slowly inching their way up towards my ears.

What surprised me though was seeing stress show up when I was actually sitting still in quiet conversations, in therapy [00:04:00] sessions, not even my own, and in helping clients think through hard things. Sometimes it was during problem solving, like brainstorming with a middle schooler about school dynamics and drama, helping someone think through a situation that wasn't emotionally heavy, just mentally demanding.

And on the outside everything looks calm. And I generally always look calm, except when challenged by my middle schooler, which is a whole nother conversation. But on the inside though, my nervous system was clearly doing something else. And that's when it clicked. Quiet doesn't always mean calm. 

And that's an important realization because our bodies don't take their cues from how things look on the outside. They take their cues from the patterns that we experience day in and day out. And this connects directly to something that I talk about often in my speaking work, which is survival based functioning and survival [00:05:00] based leadership. And when I say survival based leadership, I don't mean leadership that's dramatic or chaotic, but what I do mean is leadership shaped by constant responsibility, constant urgency and constant pressure to keep things moving.

When stress is consistent, the nervous system simply adapts. And then over the course of time, stress becomes that baseline. So you don't feel stressed, what you feel is your normal, which is really tricky because no one ever thinks to question normal. Right?

And what I want you to know is even if this has become your baseline, of course you're still capable and productive and you're still helping other people regulate. At least I am day in and day out. Internally, whether you realize it or not, your system is running hot. And this is something that I see across schools, healthcare, corporate teams, nonprofits, especially, especially among high performing people. [00:06:00] And especially amongst women who are relied on because they can handle it.

Here's something major that I want you to pay attention to. When stress becomes your baseline, you stop noticing stress itself, and what you start noticing are the side effects instead. Like fatigue, that doesn't fully lift, shorter patience, a little bit more irritable than you'd like, decision fatigue and that feeling of doing everything right, but never quite exhaling. Never quite reaching, calm despite checking off all the boxes. 

Stress at its core is tied to the perceived threat and a perceived lack of options, and all of us experience it, of course. Stress itself though is not the problem. The real issue is that when stress day in and day out becomes your norm, that's when quiet feels uncomfortable. That's when rest doesn't feel restorative, and that's when sitting [00:07:00] down triggers the thought, Ooh, I, I should be doing something.

So when we think of that voice, I should be doing something. For many of us, that voice didn't start in adulthood. It was actually shaped much, much earlier. For many women, especially for moms, that internal pressure is reinforced culturally, oftentimes. Because we're praised for productivity, for enduring a lot, for being able to carry more. For many of us, rest is framed as something that you earned and not something that you need.

I think back to growing up where sleeping in on Saturdays just wasn't an option. It just wasn't even a realistic thing that we did. Technically, there was no school, there was no church, so we could have slept in. We definitely had the time to. And I don't mean sleeping until noon. I mean at least like an extra half an hour in the morning. But in my mom's world, Saturday mornings meant deep cleaning. Even if we had just deep cleaned six days before [00:08:00] that. Even if no one was coming over and even if she herself was exhausted. Rest just wasn't prioritized. You did what needed to be done and in a kid's eyes even what didn't need to be done.

While there is a lot of strength in that, I do admire my mom for the woman she is, there's also a quiet message underneath it, which is that stillness equals laziness. And this is why when things finally do get quiet instead of feeling some relief, what we do experience is then guilt.

And it's that guilt that keeps the nervous system activated. Not because you're lazy, but because slowing down is just so unfamiliar to you, and then that feeling of unfamiliar just doesn't feel safe.

This is why so many high performers don't even realize their stressed. What happens is that they've learned to function through it and they've learned to hide it so [00:09:00] well that then they call it normal. And what I want you to hear is that this isn't just personal. It shows up wherever people are expected to perform under pressure. If you're noticing this in yourself or in the people you lead, this is exactly the work that I bring into schools, organizations, and businesses through my speaking engagements. And if you're interested, I am currently booking speaking engagements for this spring. You can learn more about that at free to be mindful.com/speaking.

And before we move into anything about change or action, I wanna help you locate this feeling in your body in a very simple and human way. Especially since a lot of us don't know how to access this feeling on our own. So if you're able to right now, allow yourself to settle where you are, even if you are in movement, let's say driving. But just allow your mind to follow my voice and think about what it is that I'm saying.

Think about [00:10:00] the last time that you got quiet just for you. Now, I don't mean when you were sleeping or even for scheduled rest, but just when you were able to take a random, short pause in the middle of the day.

I know for some you may not be able to access this time because it hasn't been an option for you. And for you all I want you to try this today to carve out this quiet moment, even if it's a minute or two.

But if you were able to think of a time, I want you to think of what showed up first. Was it restlessness? Was it the urge to check something to pick up your phone, to just click on that notification? Was it a mental list forming of all the things that you've still needed to do? And here's the important part, what did you do next after these thoughts started coming up? Did you fill the space immediately? Did you pick up the [00:11:00] phones? Did you start cleaning? Did you start planning? Did you start working in your head?

Here's the practice I wanna offer you, because it's simple and it does work if you try it. I want you to name the feeling whatever it is that comes up when you do get a little restless, even out loud if you want. Right? So it, it looks like saying, this is anxiety. This is tension. This is me being so darn overwhelmed. Then what I want you to do is name the why. Actually say out loud if you need to. Because I've been caring a lot. Because the world feels uncertain right now. Because I'm scared or because I haven't slowed down in so long.

You don't have to say this to another person. Dogs are excellent listeners, so are car dashboards. And honestly, neither of them interrupts or offers unsolicited advice, which is ideal. So you don't have to say this to [00:12:00] anyone.

But just saying those two things out loud. If you're brave, help you orient yourself to your experience instead of letting the outside noise and the outside opinions bleed into your internal world. And if you want one small thing, maybe in addition to this to try this week, it is this, the next time you think I should be doing something, add one sentence, I should be doing something, but I'm allowed to pause first.

Even if that pause is just 60 seconds, that pause is how your nervous system learns that stillness isn't dangerous. You literally give your nervous system permission to take that moment, but then to override the mindset that you're doing something bad or that you shouldn't be doing this. You just allow yourself to pause.

I want you to know that what we just experienced right now, or the reflective assignment that I'm [00:13:00] providing you, it isn't woo woo stuff. Doing this actually matters now more than ever because we're all carrying around more background stress than we even realize. Depending on where you live and what you're carrying, what's happening around you, you definitely are maybe experiencing added layers than perhaps your neighbor or perhaps somebody else across the country.

And what I want you to know about that is that even doing something proactive about causes you care about, like staying informed and taking action, helping where you can, can feel regulating, right? Watching the news can give us a sense of usefulness and control. It's also important to notice that when your mind and your body are calling for rest, even if that doesn't come naturally to you, even if slowing down feels like wildly unproductive to your nervous system, that is where tools like the Oura ring can be helpful and not to be used as a crutch, but to actually be used as an [00:14:00] informative mirror, a way to build awareness until you're able to read those signals yourself, and that's why I'm constantly wearing mine and it's my new favorite toy.

If you're interested in getting one for yourself, you can use the link below to get 10% off your purchase of the Oura ring if you decide to buy one.

And for all of the reasons that I mentioned, right? That building awareness piece, that's why I also wanna invite you to a space that I'm co-facilitating. On Thursday, February 5th, 1:00 PM Eastern Standard Time virtually, I'm co-facilitating a coaching container designed specifically for leaders, founders and professionals who are carrying a lot internally while still showing up externally. This isn't a workshop and it isn't a lecture. Instead, it's a space to pause, reflect, and reset without pretending that things aren't heavy, because they definitely are. I'm co-facilitating this workshop with my friend, HR [00:15:00] consultant and leadership Coach Anyelis Cordero. You can learn more or you can register by using the link in the show notes.

And while that container is focused on leadership and professional spaces, I also want to name that moms need this kind of pause too. Because we not only have the worlds that we're living in, but then we have our internal world and everything that comes along with it when you are a mom to littles or even to bigs.

The next slowdown opportunity focused solely on moms will be on Sunday, February 22nd in Ridgefield New Jersey. It's an intimate reset experience where you'll get to connect with other moms, and when you get to get the stuff that's weighing you outside of your own head, and then you leave feeling a little lighter. It's not therapy, but it definitely does feel therapeutic. You can find more information and reserve your spot in the show notes below.

So Amiga [00:16:00] know that quiet doesn't always mean calm. Sometimes it just means that we're finally close enough to notice what our bodies have been holding on all along. If rest is hard for you, don't treat it as a personal failure. Instead, treat it as information about your capacity, not about your character. And know that you don't need to force yourself to relax. You don't need to do this perfectly. You just need moments of honest awareness, and that alone goes a long way.

If this episode resonated, I hope it gave you the language for something that you've been feeling but perhaps haven't been able to name yet.

And if you know another mom or Amiga mom, another leader or high performer that could use this reminder, please make sure to share the episode with them.

Thank you so much for being here and as always, in a world where you are free to be anything you are always free to be mindful. Catch you next time. 

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