FTBM Podcast Ep296: The Invisible Leadership No One Sees

V: So before we jump into today's episode, I wanna tell you what this conversation is really about. Today we're talking about leadership, not the loud kind, and not the kind with titles and spotlights, but the kind that shows up in ordinary moments behind the scenes and often without recognition. This is especially for women who carry responsibility and hold systems together and influence others in everyday life, yet rarely call themselves leaders.

And if you're listening and you're a part of an organization, a school, a company, planning for Women's History Month in March, stress Awareness Month in April, or Mental Health Awareness Month in May, this is exactly the kind of leadership conversation that I bring into those spaces. Let's get into it.

You are listening to the Free to Be Mindful podcast, where busy moms get practical tips and real talk conversations to find calm joy in a little more breathing room in everyday life. [00:01:00] I'm Vanessa Licensed therapist, mom, coach, and a mom to a tween and toddler. Each week we get honest about motherhood and mindset helping you live with more presence, less pressure without losing your well, you know.

Here we go.

V: Hello and welcome to episode 296 of the Free To Be Mindful Podcast. I hope that you're feeling good, looking good and doing better in this world than you were yesterday. So if you're listening to this episode in real time, today's release falls on Martin Luther King Day. And I wanna acknowledge that very briefly from a leadership standpoint.

When we hear the word leader, many of us picture something very specific. We may think of a microphone, a podium, perhaps a movement. I'm sure that we don't think of someone holding a cup of coffee that's gone cold again, right?

So yes, Dr. King was absolutely a leader in every sense of [00:02:00] the word. But for today's conversation, I don't want to focus on that big visible version of leadership. What I wanna focus on today is the kind of leadership that most of us live out in every single day without ever naming it as such.

And as I shared back on episode 294, my word of the year is deliberate. In 2026 I want to be more deliberate about where I place my energy, especially when it comes to speaking. I have been incredibly fortunate over the past number of years to have opportunities like being on the Today Show, being featured on Univision multiple times, and other invitations that have just come my way organically.

And this year I'm being more intentional, particularly about speaking to women leaders. And here's where I want to pause and ask you something. When you hear the word leader, what image comes into your mind? For some, I'm sure it's [00:03:00] people in C-Suite, right? As a retired educator, my mind often thinks of principal, superintendents and school leaders. And others picture people in suits, running meetings, making high level decisions perhaps with floor to ceiling windows on a corner office.

But there's a whole group of leaders that we rarely talk about, are you ready? Those leaders are moms, and that's where I wanna take us into today because once we widen our definition of leadership, we then begin to see it everywhere.

Whether you're a professional working mom, a business owner, or a stay at home mom- which we all know is still very much work just in a different form- motherhood is leadership. And for me, that leadership shows up in mornings when perhaps everyone is moving slowly and I'm already tired by the time they wake up, and they still have to decide whether a rush us out the door or to slow myself down so the day doesn't start in [00:04:00] chaos. And as moms, if we look at it through this lens, we're constantly leading.

Think about what leadership looks like in professional settings. It's emotional regulation under pressure, like staying calm when everything feels urgent, and everyone around you needs something at once. It's managing systems and routines like schedule, logistics, transitions, and the invisible infrastructure that keeps things moving. And it's anticipating needs before they become problems, like knowing when a meltdown is coming before it happens, or knowing when something just needs to be addressed early. And it's setting the tone for a team or an organization because energy's contagious we know, whether we like it or not.

And if you replace the word team or organization with the word home, you start to see how closely leadership at work and leadership and motherhood mirror each other, except there's no PTO and no performance reviews, but a whole lot of feedback from little humans.

But here's the thing, [00:05:00] many of you listening, don't call yourselves leaders. And part of the reason is because so much of what moms do has just been normalized as just what's expected as shaped by culture and family roles, and the idea that if it comes naturally to women, it doesn't count as leadership or maybe even as anything special, you just do what you do.

And I see this pattern all the time in the work that I do through the Latinx Practice Collective, which I've co-founded, where we coach private practice owners who are incredibly capable, intelligent, most of whom are women who don't see themselves as CEOs or as leaders.

They'll just say, oh, I'm a clinician, or I'm just trying to help people. Just like the way moms say, "I'm just a mom." But the reality is, if people depend on your decisions and your presence, your ability to stay grounded, when things feel chaotic or charged, then you are indeed leading. Because leadership doesn't require a title to be [00:06:00] real.

But when leadership is quiet and constant like it is often in motherhood, it does often come with a cost.

Quiet leadership often looks like exhaustion without recognition. It looks like guilt when you even consider stepping back, especially when you're stepping back for something for yourself. It looks like the pressure to always be the one to keep it together emotionally, mentally, logistically. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. The one everyone looks at when something goes wrong, even when technically you probably weren't even in charge of it.

And this isn't about resentment, right? It's not about feeling some type of way. It's just about having awareness. Because when leadership is invisible, it's easy to forget that it's still requires energy. And there's a specific kind of fatigue that comes from being the one who can just handle it. Which somehow turns into the one who always will. And sometimes we know it also turns into the one who is at fault.

[00:07:00] And that brings me to a reflective question that I want you to sit with and really think about for a moment. What do you carry simply because you can? Not because it's fair and not because it's sustainable, but simply because you've proven that you are capable?

It makes me think of in motherhood sometimes moms are the one to do the bathtime routine or do the bedtime routine, but if you have a partner in the home, they can also do those routines. But maybe you think of, well, I'm the one who does it right, or I'm the one who does it better. But it doesn't mean the other person isn't capable.

When I hear the phrase quiet leadership, I often think about when I started my career in education. I remember that first year I was told early, early on that the true powerhouses of a school aren't always the ones with the titles and the ones with the bigger offices, they're actually the secretaries and the custodians, the people who know [00:08:00] everything and who keep things running, who keep things clean and hold the building together, they are the quiet leaders. 

An executive assistant is often the quiet leader behind the CEO. A school counselor is often the quiet leader behind the principal. And moms are often the quiet leaders behind entire households.

Which brings us to where leadership really gets shaped, which is in the moments that no one ever sees. Leadership just isn't about how we show up publicly in front of people. It's shaped oftentimes in those private, quiet moments. The minutes after drop off when the car is silent, and you just sit there. Probably a little longer than necessary. The pauses between meetings. The internal conversations that no one hears.

And if you've dazed off for a second, I want you to come back and listen closely to this. Leadership also lives in how we speak to ourselves, and in how we rest, and in the ways that we don't. [00:09:00] And it even lies in the ways that we respond when there's no audience, when there's no validation or applause.

And it's this that I'm so passionate about. So many women are performing leadership beautifully, but then neglecting themselves behind the scenes. And Amiga, this is the message I want you to hear very clearly. Leadership isn't proven in performance. It's shaped in private, in the way that you treat yourself when no one is watching, that is what truly matters.

Because sometimes leadership is also giving yourself permission to not respond right away, to not hold everything together in that moment, and to trust that pausing doesn't mean that you are failing.

.You know, and this reminds me that just at the start of this month, January, 2026, the Free To Be Mindful Podcast was named as the number one Latino Mental Health Podcast by Feed Spot, which is a pretty awesome recognition. And while, yes, I [00:10:00] redistributed that to my email list and put it on social media and then gave myself a pat on the back. Acknowledgement and celebration is necessary, and yes, it does feel good. But still, regardless of whether that celebration came through or not, here I am doing the work and sharing these important topics with you week after week. Why? Because that's what leaders do. We just do the work. Just like I know you are doing the work at home.

which is why the reframe around leadership matters just as much as the behavior itself. So I wanna offer you this reframe today. Leadership does not require perfection. What it does require is presence and intention. I'm gonna say that again for the people in the back, because honestly, sometimes that person in the back is us an entire day. Leadership doesn't require perfection. It requires presence and intention.

sometimes leadership looks like choosing pause instead of reaction. Sometimes it's [00:11:00] choosing to take a beat instead of pushing through. And sometimes it's choosing self-respect even when no one sees it. That kind of leadership may be quiet, but it is deeply impactful and far more sustainable over the course of time.

So I want us to take a moment right now together, and if you're able, try to just soften your body where you are and allow yourself to settle regardless of if you're driving or running errands or taking a walk. Just soften your face, perhaps your shoulders, your hands, your jaw.

And bring your attention to an ordinary moment from your week. Something simple, something unpolished, something real, something that happened to you. Maybe it was staying regulated or calm when things felt tense. Or maybe it was resting when you normally wouldn't. Maybe it was showing up gently when you're exhausted.

Notice that [00:12:00] moment. Without judgment, without pressure, without the shoulda, woulda could haves. Right? Simply allow yourself to recall this moment, to recognize and acknowledge it for what it was. And know that even in that small, maybe what you think is insignificant moment, that even that counts as leadership, even if no one else saw it.

As you move yourself through this week, I invite you to notice one quiet leadership moment and allow yourself to actually name it. Because when we widen the awareness now of what quiet leadership is, we will see it more and more, but you have to start with that intention. Because when we name it, we stop disappearing inside our own lives and we may begin to recognize the value of how we're already showing up. And that awareness is what makes leadership more deliberate rather than something we're just surviving our way through.

Know [00:13:00] that unseen leadership still matters, especially the kind practiced in small, ordinary moments. And as I continue to step more deliberately into speaking on stages, not just in New Jersey, New York, and the tri-state area, but also beyond, especially with women leaders, these are the conversations that I care deeply about bringing into schools, into organizations, and into workplaces.

So please know that I am currently booking speaking engagements for the spring, and if you or your organization are planning again for Women's History Month Stress Awareness Month, or Mental Health Awareness Month, I would love to connect. You Can visit free to be mindful.com/speaking to learn more and book a call which is also found in the show notes.

If this episode resonated, I invite you to please share it with another quiet leader in your life. Maybe it's a mom friend, or as I like to say, an Amiga mom who needs this reminder about the work that they do [00:14:00] in those quiet everyday moments.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for leading in ways that don't always get named, acknowledged or recognized. Remember that in a world where you are free to be anything, you're always free to be mindful. Catch you next time.

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